“How are you doing?”
I get asked this question quite often.
Although my response comes very quickly: “I am doing okay,” my heart is often left, pondering the question, long after the questioner walks away.
“You have such faith...you are so strong.”
I hear this too. My response? Always the same: “It’s not me who’s strong.”
I answer. I believe the words I say. I feel them with everything inside of me. I am weak. He is strong.
“Don’t you ever get angry with God?”
I have been asked this question only once and my response echoed sweet Heather's. She was asked this question long before I ever was and her answer to it was so beautiful: “Why in the world would I be angry with a God who rescued my brother from this world? He was sick, and God took him Home...and the same God who rescued him will one day rescue me. No, I am not angry. I am thankful.”
She answered. She believes. I believe.
Gratitude in the midst of death...that’s the language I’ve got to learn to speak.
Yet, it still hurts...and I still question.
Love’s a deep wound...and why can’t I hold on to now forever...and why does
time snatch away a heart I don’t think mine can beat without? Why do we all
have to grow old? Why do we have to keep saying good-bye?
He tells me to trust: “My grace is sufficient...”
But...
Where is grace bestowed when cancer gnaws and loneliness aches and
nameless places in us soundlessly die, break off without reason, erode away.
Where hides the joy of the Lord, this God who fills the earth with good things, and
how do I fully live when life is full of hurt? How do I wake up to joy and grace and
beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed
dreams and all that empties me out?
I fall on my face; and though tears soak the floor,
I feel Him hold me- a flailing child tired in Father’s arms. And I can hear Him
soothe soft, “Are your ways My ways, child? Can you eat My manna, sustain on
My mystery? Can you believe that I tenderly, tirelessly work all for the best good
of the whole world- because My flame of love for you can never, ever be quenched?
“My grace is sufficient for you...
for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Even when the reality of this world hits:
Life is loss.
and I question, and I wonder...peace always comes...and it comes in the promises.
“Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.” Psalm 116:15
On the darkest days...and the loneliest nights. Supernatural peace fills my heart. It comes in waves from somewhere deep within. Unexplainable. Incomprehensible. True peace.
Thank you, Lord.
Thank you that this life, full of unknowns and frightful happenings, is not the end. Even when the mysteries are hard to understand, I will choose to accept them. I will choose to trust.
When caring people ask: “How are you doing?”
I will continue to truthfully answer: “I am doing okay.”
My heart may still ponder...my mind may still question.
Yet, boldly I will proclaim, until my dying breath: In the good times and bad...blessed be His name. Whether I understand it or not...I will praise Him. In times of weakness, He truly is strong. When I am fearful, His Spirit calms and bring peace. He is good. He is God. He is Sovereign. His ways are Just. He is the Beginning and He is the End. All of our days were numbered before even one of them came to be. His timing is always right and His Will is perfect. His Law is flawless and His promises are secure. He is my Rock. My Fortress and my Deliverer. He is my Refuge. My Savior. My Healer. My hope. He is the Word. The Living Word. The Beautiful Word...
[He] has nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears
running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ache,
and whisper, “I know. I know.”
He knew the worst pain of all. He’s felt it. He's lived it. He knows it.
In midst of mine, in midst of yours, He is good.
Jesus.
He heals, brings peace, showers comfort.
His grace truly is sufficient.
Thank you Lord. Thank you for the cancers. Thank you for the strength. Thank you for the miracles. Thank you for the deaths- the Homecomings. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for the Word. For your grace. For your Spirit. For your peace. Thank you for beautiful sunrises and for endless showers of new mercies.Thank you also for the years of difficulties and for the dry, summers of pain.
Pain.
Pain is everywhere, and wherever the pain there can be everywhere grace, and
yes, Jesus, I am struggling and I get turned around but I think I know, at least in
part, what I want. If I had never run, if I had never fallen...I am not sure I
would have known with blazing clarity. I may not know all that it means, but this is
what I want...This is what I am famished for: more of the God-glory...”Lord, I want to see.”
Please Lord, as my heart is healing, help me to see. As I’m learning to trust, open my eyes.
“I will exalt you, O LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths...O LORD, you brought me up from the grave, you spared me
from going down into the pit...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning...You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.” Psalm 30
I long to live in the moment, to dance in the rain, to glorify You with each breath.
O Lord, this life-song that You have given me, though feeble and out of tune, may it never cease to bring you glory!
(Italicized quotes taken from Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. The Lord has so beautifully gifted her in her writing- with such purity and honesty. From the very first chapter, I found myself captivated. She seemed to put into words the very things I have been feeling-questioning-for so long. If you’re looking for a wonderful, inspiring, and very convicting read, I highly recommend this book. Thank you, sweet Lori, for sharing your copy with me!)
Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2010) 12-160.
