(Run for the Rose, March 25, 2012- A 5K event supporting Brain Cancer Research)
For me, it is always the last mile. The point in the race when I feel like I am going to die! The finish line is closer than ever before and yet, all I can think about is my exploding lungs! The work it takes and the pain I feel to just breathe at this point is utterly ridiculous! My mouth is SO dry, yet I feel as though I could choke on my own spit...or maybe it is vomit! Gross, huh?! Tell me about it. I want so badly to just to throw myself on the sidelines during these awful moments and hack and wheeze until my whole body stabilizes again.
Funny how fast things can change in such a short amount of time...
Just minutes before, the blow horn sounded, and the race began. That first mile. I absolutely loved it! My adrenaline was pumping, the crowd was cheering, and I took off! Happy, excited, eager! It was early, but I didn't care. It was a little chilly, but I didn't notice. Philip Wickham cranked up on my Ipod and I couldn't keep the smile off my face as my feet took off to the beat and my heart shouted along with the lyrics...
At Your Name
the morning breaks in Glory
At Your Name
Creation sings Your story
At Your Name
Angels will bow
the earth will rejoice
Your people cry out...
Lord of all the earth
We shout Your Name, shout Your Name
Filling up the skies with endless praise, endless praise...!
"Oh wow!" I thought to myself as I looked up to the sky, "what a BEAUTIFUL Sunday morning it is!! This is so fun! I love running!"
The second mile then began. I felt myself slowing down...but I kept going. It was getting harder, but I could see the water table in the distance. "Just make it...almost there!" I grabbed a sip of water and I pressed on. As people began to pass me, I realized that the smile was slipping from my face. I felt myself grimace with every step...every breath. I looked at my watch...wanting to beat my previous time. I have to keep going. My hands began to throb and all I could think about was how cloudy and moist out it was! I felt the sweat dripping down my back and I became increasingly irritated with the headband that kept slipping from my hair. "Ugh!" I thought to myself, "I just want to stop!" Right then, however, while completely overwhelmed and aware of my own weakness, I heard Mandisa's powerful voice crank up:
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger...
My feet started moving faster as I focused on the lyrics and not on the pain. I fixed my headband (once again), pushed up my sleeves, and kept going. Mile three was just ahead!
And then, like a brick wall, I hit it. The third mile. The hardest in the race for me. The last leg of the journey. Just to make this dreaded mile a little more fun for all the runners, there was a hill in the course. A bridge that we all had to go up and over in order to finish. "You have got to be kidding me!" I thought to myself as I saw it approaching. My pace slowed drastically and my breathing got even more labored. "There is no way I can do this!" I wearily thought, "this is NO FUN at all! I hate running!!" I looked at my watch and I realized that I was getting close to the end. (The end of the race, or the end of my life...I wasn't quite sure, and in all honesty, in that moment, I really didn't care.) All I knew is that I wanted to finish! I wanted it all to end! I just had to make it over that bridge and then it was the home stretch! "Here we go" I thought, as I painfully started the climb.
A new song cranked up, and desperate for a diversion, I listened intently.
Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much
My pace quickened as I listened to the beautiful voice of Kari Jobe...
But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You
As the chorus started and the music heightened, I felt a surge of energy.
Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
My soul connected and my feet cooperated...
I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan
I took a deep breath. My heart felt refreshed and I knew, in that moment, that I was going to make it.
And I will run to You
You're my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart
To make a long story short, I made it up that hill...and even down it! :) And I finished the race in 27 minutes, 30 seconds. The best time I have ever had in a 5K event.
Crazy how, after a race like that, you can feel so good! Especially when, while you are running it, you can feel so bad!
Difficulty. It is so hard and painful in the midst. However, once you make it through and you look back, you can see how each moment of it caused you to grow stronger. How each moment of it caused you to rely on something or Someone bigger than yourself.
For me, it was and is the...
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
Thank you, Kari Jobe, for the beautiful reminder that He truly does...
steady my heart
Sweet Jesus...
Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You.
