"Beginning to End"

This is us. My family. 

I am married to Bryan and we have three rambunctious and extremely remarkable sons: Titus 9, Silas 4, and Elias 2. Our 4th child is actually on the way and is due in June. We found out just recently that it’s a little girl! She is going to be well loved and well protected, I'm sure.  And we couldn’t be happier!

Thinking about having another baby, I can’t help but be reminded of my last son’s birth. He was my only non-medicated birth. And it was a traumatic experience to say the least. To all of you mom’s who have rocked unmedicated births and have done them multiple times, I’m in complete awe of you. The curse that was put on Eve in the garden of Eden is REAL. Childbirth is an extremely painful experience. And even now, just thinking about it, I’m beginning to shiver!  You see, I went into the birth having a plan in my head of how everything was going to go. I felt in control. I felt at peace. I felt like I was strong and that I could do anything. However, when the pains of childbirth hit, I lost all control. I gave into the fear of the unknown and I became so tense, trying to escape the pain and somehow prevent it from getting worse. But, by doing that, I actually only made things worse. In fact, I remember raising my voice and yelling at my sweet midwife: “Something is wrong! This is not the way it’s supposed to be! This hurts too bad!” And although most of the memories from that day are a blur and muddled in my brain, the one thing that I will never forget is the still, small, confident voice of my midwife. She responded with patience and love at every outburst I threw at her: “Brooke, everything is happening the way it’s supposed to. The pain means that the baby is coming.” 

And you know what? That baby did come. All 9 pounds and 2 ounces of him. And although it was extremely difficult, I  couldn’t be more thankful for that experience and for the way that the midwife put my mind and my heart and my body at ease with her confident words.

As I've been digging through the book of Revelation with my Bible Study group,  I have been reminded time and time again of those words I heard from my midwife during active labor. Often, I forget that the Bible is one complete story, from beginning to end, it’s all connected. But if we listen, as we read story after story, chapter after chapter, we can almost hear Christ speaking quietly and confidently on every page: “Everything is happening the way it’s supposed to.” And as we get closer to Revelation and pour into the last book of the Bible we can hear his voice grow louder as he says “Let the pain throughout Scripture remind you that I am coming. Let the pain that you’re experiencing in your life remind you that I am coming. I am your hope. Take heart. I have overcome the world.”

Back in 2010, my first son, Titus, was born. His birth was medicated… thank you God, for modern medicine! When the doctor first handed him to me, I was amazed at his little body. And I was captivated as I took him all in. I looked at his hands, his feet, his little face and I watched his little chest rise up and down as he took his first breaths. And I remember thinking in that moment, “God, I trust you. Only you could do this. Because you exhaled, he is able to inhale. You have given him life. You have breathed into him. How can I not trust you? You are so good. So very good.” 

But just three and a half months after that beautiful day of welcoming our son into the world, I found myself in another hospital room. Captivated by another face that I loved so very much.  

My husband of 4 and half years. At that point, he had been fighting brain cancer for 4 years and 2 months; he was diagnosed just 4 months after we were married. His body was weary from the fight. And as I watched his chest rise and fall with his last breaths…and as I watched as his heart eventually stopped beating, I just stared at his lifeless body. The only question that I had and the only prayer that I could pray was: “Why, God?  Why?” And in the moment, I heard so clearly Him whisper back: “If you can trust me with life’s first cries, then you can trust me with its final breath. If you can trust me in the beginning, you can trust me in the end.” 

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into years and I learned to live life as a single mother and as a young widow, there were so many times that I would find myself in a puddle of tears, crying out, just like I did in the middle of labor pains: “This is not the way it’s supposed to be! Something went wrong! It hurts too bad, the pain is too great!” And over and over again our Savior would gently remind me, just like my sweet midwife: “Brooke, everything is happening the way it’s supposed to. Let this pain remind you that I am coming. And one day, for my sake, for my glory, and for your good, I will make all things new.”  He gives us that promise in Revelation chapter 21. 

And that is one of the promises I clung to then and one that  I continue to cling to now. “For if His Word had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction.”  

As you can see, God has not withheld his goodness from me.  He has filled my life and my heart and my home with love and laughter, and pillow fights and wrestling matches. And he has given me a husband, who has loved me in my brokenness and who has adopted my heart and my son into his life and into his heart, and I couldn’t be more thankful. We just celebrated our 5 year anniversary. And I am constantly in awe of the goodness and faithfulness of God. He doesn’t leave us in our sorrow, but meets us right where we are and continually speaks life into our brokenness and into our grief. As life has continued… in the good times, I am reminded of God's faithfulness and I’m able to smile…and in the hard moments I still cry at His feet and I cling to His promises. Because I know that if I can trust Him in the beginning, I can trust Him in the end. 

And if we can trust Him with life’s first cries, then we can trust Him with its final breath. 
And if we can trust him in Genesis, then we can trust him in Revelation.