We Made It! (March 11-12)

Woohoo! We made it!! After our flight landed in Israel, we made our way to the hotel. It was dark as the bus, full of weary travelers, made it's way across the holy city. It was raining and the pitter patter on the roof was oddly comforting. The tour guide welcomed everyone and then conversations began to pop up across the rows. I couldn't  help but smile as I listened. Movies seen on the plane were excitedly discussed. A super fast subway ride and a crazy airport bus adventure was wildly remembered and everyone agreed that the price of a cup of coffee at the London airport was outrageous. (And I totally agree; HOWEVER, the fact that we drank coffee in LONDON is just plain awesome!!) A lady in the back of the bus wanted to know if the signs that she saw on the side of the road were written in Hebrew or Arabic, and the man near her answered that he thought they were written in both. My mom gently nudged me and said "look!" I peeled my eyes from my typing and excitedly turned towards the window. "What do you see?!" She shrugged her shoulders and exclaimed, "I don't know, but it looks old!" (Oh my! I can already tell this is going to be a fun trip!) There is a 7 hour time difference. Needless to say, we are super exhausted and a little incoherent in our thinking.  So, when our tour guide decided to start our day tomorrow at 8:30am instead of 7:30, we were thankful! We have a jammed packed itinerary waiting for us and we cannot wait to get it started!! However, an extra hour of sleep is greatly appreciated!

 

 Thank you for your love and prayers. They mean so much!! Goodnight!

A "Jaw Dropping" Experience!

Last Spring, I answered the phone and my jaw dropped as I heard “Brooke! You have been chosen as one of the 5 finalists for KSBJ’s Israel trip giveaway!” 

WHAAAAAAAT?!

Completely overcome with excitement and nervousness, I babbled my way through a 20 minute interview, heard a few details of what was to come,  and then hung up.

Jaw still dropped. Mouth wide open. 

WHAAAAAAAT?!

You see, the week before, KSBJ on-air DJs encouraged listeners to apply online for a chance to win a trip for two to the Holy Lands. I heard the announcement multiple times and even remember thinking to myself, “how awesome would that be?!” But, it wasn’t until I heard “applications are due by midnight tonight” that I seriously thought about applying. (I mean really, what could it hurt?! I never win anything anyways!)

Or so I thought!

As the fast and furious contest began, and snippets of the interviews were aired, I completely fell in love with the other four contestants! A pastor’s wife, a United States veteran, a sacrificial mother, and an influential minister. All four with unbelievable testimonies. All four so deserving of this trip! 

The weeks went on, and dearly loved contestants were eliminated. 

Yet, somehow, with a dropped jaw, l stood standing. 

And as I answered the phone, early that Friday morning of the reveal, I was completely overcome by emotion. As Bill and Pam from the morning show congratulated me and asked me a couple of questions, it took everything I had in me to hold it together. As I hung up, however, all control was lost. Tears flowed freely down my cheeks. 

I fell to my knees. Jaw still dropped. (Chin completely calloused.)

Oh, to be a part of the family of God! What a tremendous blessing! (I always knew my family was big, I just didn’t know how big until this experience.) 

I am so very thankful for KSBJ and Educational Opportunities Tours and for the incredible opportunity they have given my mom and I to travel to the Holy Lands. This is a trip of a lifetime and we couldn’t be more excited to embark on it together! 

I am also very grateful for all of you who not only voted for and supported me through this contest, but who have also loved me and my family and have carried us to the Father through prayer for so long. I honestly don’t know how people make it through this life without the Body of Christ to lean on. We are truly blessed, so dearly loved, and we couldn’t be more thankful for each one of you!

Our trip is March 11-20th. The fact that we are leaving so soon definitely excites me, but also makes me a little anxious. Leaving Titus for ten days is going to be difficult. However, I know that he is first and foremost HIS, and so, I am doing my best to trust Him fully and completely. Our God is good! There is no doubt in my mind about that. He is good, He is Sovereign, and He is faithful. To Him be the glory!

I look forward to sharing our trip with you all through my blog!

So, dear family and friends...

stay tuned!!!

"Don't Miss Today"

Contentment. The word I have chosen for this year. A goal I long to achieve. The seed I desire takes root in my heart. 

Just the other day, I found myself looking out the window at my mom’s house. Staring out at the driveway. Thinking about the future. Lost in my thoughts, I was just about to let out a discontented sigh, when all of a sudden, a little boy ran around the corner and jumped full force on to my back, knocking the air, quite painfully, out of me. Frustrated,  I stood up, grabbed his arm and peeled him off of me. I tossed him on the couch and gave him a “don’t mess with me” look as I walked into the kitchen. My mom was there. She took one look at me and then turned toward the dishes in the sink. She knew I was in one of “those” moods. (You know the one: the “poor me, my life stinks” kind of mood.) I leaned against the kitchen island and said, “I keep thinking that one day, things are just going to change. Like, out of the blue, a beautiful change is going to come driving down the driveway and make everything better.” She didn’t even turn around. Instead, she just plainly said, with her back to me, “well, it’s not going to happen like that.” In response, like a bratty teenager, I made a disgusted, shocked face and then rolled my eyes, which is something I hadn’t done to my mom in years! (So thankful her back was turned!)  After a moment, she faced me. Softly and gently she said, her voice full of love and compassion, “and if you keep you’re thoughts focused on what could happen tomorrow, you’re going to miss today. Don’t miss today, Brooke.” 

Today. 

Not yesterday.

Not tomorrow.

Today.

“Don’t miss today, Brooke.” 

Today, I am 29 years old. A widow. A deaf educator. A mom. I live out on my parent’s property. Next to my mom, who is also a widow. In the country. In a town I never thought I would end up in again after college. I have a son. He is strong willed; yet oh,  so very precious. His name is Titus Michael; meaning “a giant; a gift from God.” He is big for his age, a thinker, and when people ask him what he wants to be when he grows up, he answers: “I want to be a mighty man!” He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. Today, he made me cry. His tantrums are fierce. His hugs are beautiful. His voice is perfect. He loves to play with our dog. A dog that showed up on our doorstep last January. Her name is Selah (say-la) Grace; meaning “to pause and reflect on the grace of God.” A name that Michael and I were going to name our first daughter. But that was then. Yesterday. This is now. Today. And today, our dog is Selah.  And that’s ok. The sun is shining, the wind is cool. My blinds are open and I can hear the birds singing. Each week, I am in five different school districts; teaching deaf and hard of hearing students. Today, I'll be in two of those. My job can be stressful; but oh, so rewarding! I hope to run three miles today. I started running three years ago, after I lost my best friend to brain cancer. I wanted a challenge. Something hard. Something that I had never done before. For him. For me. I wanted to see if I could do it. And I did. Today, I’ve felt weak. I’ve fallen to my knees. HE has picked me up. HE has sang over me. HE has made me strong. 

Today, I am not alone. My heart is full. My cup runneth over.  

Today, I am blessed. I am protected, forgiven, cared for, and loved. 

Today, I am thankful. My life is a gift. My salvation a treasure. 

My hard heart is being tilled. The soil has begun to soften.

The Gardener is at work.

Contentment. The word I have chosen for this year. A goal I long to achieve. The seed I desire takes root in my heart. 

Don’t miss today.

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the LORD’s praise, for He has been good to me.” -Psalm 13:5-6

"Replacing the Nightmares"

I slowly move positions, doing my best to stay quiet. I don’t want to disturb the sleeping. I grip the hand I am holding a little tighter, not wanting to let go for a second as I stretch my legs out from under me. Once the circulation begins and my toes start tingling, I curl them back underneath me. The straight back chair that I am sitting in isn’t comfortable, but I don’t care. I let my thumb gently slide across the top of his hand, as I rest my head on the folded down sheet. From my position, I can see the rise and fall of his chest. The thin blanket covering him, moving ever so slightly to the rhythm of his heart beat. I am tired. My eye lids fight to close. I fight back. Willing them to stay open. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want him to leave. I fix my gaze on his face. So familiar. So handsome. So distant. So different. I look at the clock. It’s midnight. A new day. His favorite day. Sunday. His hand seems to be getting colder. I take it in my own and cover it ever so gently. Attempting to warm it. From the inside out, I too feel numb, ice cold. Though I know my attempt won’t do any good, I continue to hold on. My heart breaks open; shattering into a million pieces as his breathing gets more and more labored. I fight the urge to shake him. I want him to wake up! I want to wake up. I bite my lip hard; inflicting pain, trying my best to escape this nightmare...

and it works.

Shaking, sweating, feeling nauseous. I sit up in bed. It takes a minute for my jumbled mind to clear and for my eyes to adjust to the darkness around me, and then reality hits like a blow. The nightmare is real. December 12, 2010 really did happen. He’s gone. 

I lay back against the pillows; weary. Weary, yet so very thankful. Thankful that as time passes, these nightmares come less and less. Thankful, that through the years, God has been faithful. He has proven Himself to us, over and over again. His Presence has brought peace and His Spirit has brought comfort. Even in the unexpected moments. In the toddler  tantrums. In the questions. In the conversations that catch me completely off guard. In the tears. In the grieving. He has been there.

He is there.

One night a couple of weeks ago, after I laid Titus down for bed, he started crying. Weeping uncontrollably. He rolled over and faced the wall, and the tears continued. They wouldn’t stop. Thinking that he was just upset about having to go to bed, I almost just turned and walked out of the room. However, something in his cry stopped me. It seemed different somehow.  I sat on the edge of his bed for a minute, and then quietly said “Titus, I’m sorry you are so sad.” He rolled over, and through the tears said, “I am sad because I miss my daddy! I want him to come home!” Speechless, I just sat there. My heart aching in my chest. Never did I anticipate this. My three year old, grieving. Longing for a dad he has never known. I laid down beside him. Holding back my own tears as I watched his roll down his cheeks. After a minute or so, he stopped crying and his little voice grew strong as he gently said “God is holding us in His hands. All of us. He holds the whole world in His hands.” Speechless again, I just laid there. A treasured promise, filling my heart: "God is a father to the fatherless."  Soon, my little boy rolled over to face me and gently whispered, “You are special to God, mommy." I smiled, cupped his face, and whispered back "You are special to God, too, Titus." 

Oh, my heart!

Moments like these. They weaken me and strengthen me all at the same time.

How great is our God. 

He comforts. He fathers. He heals. 

And He, in His infinite grace, replaces the nightmares...

with the sweetest of dreams. 

So thankful!

"An Unforgettable Dance!"

As 2012 comes to an end, I just wanted to take some time to thank you all for reading my blog these past two years! It has been quite the journey...and I am so very thankful for all of you who have walked it with me...either literally, or through prayer. 

Last January, one of my resolutions was to write at least one blog post a month...and one blog post a month I did!  (I also had a resolution to learn to play a song on the guitar...but...uh...that one didn't turn out so well! My poor fingers!!!) 

So...typing and sharing my thoughts, feelings, happenings, and convictions once a month is what I stuck with instead. And oh, what a healing journey it has been! 

This year, however, I have new resolutions...and unfortunately, continuing my blog isn't one of them. 

I've thought long and hard about how I was going to end this. What I was going to say...what I was going to leave you with.

Then, as I read L.B Cowman's Streams in the Desert devotional this morning it became clear to me. In the depths of my heart I was reminded...

reminded that it is okay to look back. To always look back...even if it hurts. Because even if the road is dark and the terrain is tough, even if the path is rocky and it winds and bends at dangerous heights... there is grace. There is sweet evidence of His faithfulness, beautiful marks of His Presence. In the tallest trees, in the darkest forests, birds are singing! Singing of His mercy...His mercy that has taken us "thus far."

Thus far.

There are still mountains to climb, paths to journey, joys to encounter, and sorrows to bear. But, praise God...He, in His great mercy...has led us "thus far!"

The shepherds of the Alps have a beautiful custom of ending the day by singing an evening farewell to one another. The air is so pure that the songs can be heard for very long distances. As the sun begins to set, they gather their flocks and begin to lead them down the mountain paths while they sing, "'Thus far has the LORD helped us.' Let us praise His name!"

May that be our cry too, dear family and friends...as we look back...

as the sun sets.... the chapters close...the night falls...and the year ends:

"Thus far has the LORD helped us!"

And as we look ahead...

to beautiful sun rises...to new chapters beginning...to the day dawning...and the new year starting:

"Let us praise His name!"

I love you...and I am so thankful for you! 

Happy New Year!

"True Grace"

I don't know about you, but for some reason, I struggle being thankful.

Last year, however, when I first started my gratitude journal, I wouldn't  have said that...

In all honesty, I would have said that I was pretty good at it. My days are FULL of "thank yous!" Aren't yours?! Aren't everybody's?! I mean really, who doesn't say thank you to the young lad who opens the door for you, or the bagger at the grocery store who hands you your groceries? Or when a police officer gives you a warning instead of a ticket...surely I am not the only one whose feelings of frustration immediately disappear and are replaced with feelings of gratitude! "Thanks!" "Gracias!" "Merci" "Xie Xie!" I have said this little, common, jam packed word in numerous languages, in multiple countries. I've taught it to my son, signed it with my students. Gratitude is a part of my being...it is a part of who I am. I am a small town southern girl...of course I am thankful!

Or so I thought...

I started last September...recording my thanksgivings...making my lists...thinking I would reach 1000 in no time!

But here I sit, November 30, 2012...one year and two months later...and I realize...the task I embarked on was not as easy as I had first thought.

Although I have finally reached 1000 this month, I can't help but wonder...

am I truly getting it?

Am I really thankful?

Do I really see?

Are my eyes even open?

Oh, to live a life full of thanksgiving! To inhale...to exhale...every second...every day...nothing but pure and selfless gratitude.

How can I do this? I long for it! Will thanksgiving ever consume me? Oh, how I want it to! Not just in November, but all throughout the year!

I ask, I question, I seek...and soon, I am reminded of this simple truth:

in order for one to know true gratitude...

one must first know true grace.

"Oh God, open my eyes! Open my heart! Reveal my sin and bring me back to the foot of the cross! For it is there, and only there, that I will see my need for a Savior. It is there that I will experience true forgiveness, and it is only there, in Your presence, that I will find and know true grace."

As my journey continues...even past 1000...my prayer is that I would constantly be reminded of Christ's sacrifice on the cross and never loose sight of God's glorious grace.

1011. Singing praises in Fort Worth with Uncle Ched and cousin Hope...so beautiful!

Happy Thanksgiving!

"True Beauty"

It was one of those days...
a chaotic Thursday.

I rushed out of the Special Education building after work...feeling frumpy. I was tired...and I knew I looked it.

Just to be sure, as soon as my "pockets" hit the seat of my car, I pulled the visor down and flipped open the mirror.

Confirmation.

Eye liner smeared, blemishes bright red, lips chapped, eye brows a disaster...and hair...well, let's not even go there.

"Eww."

I slammed the mirror shut and started the car.

In need of some affirmation...or a good cry...I flipped on some good ol' country music. It was just what I needed...fuel for my bad mood. Nourishment for my low confidence. Mile after mile, song after song, my pitiful state continued...

"It's not Wednesday, Taylor Swift. It's Thursday...and I'm not in a cafe, I'm in the car. I'm always in the car!!"

"Ugh!"

"If the 93Q plays your sweet little song one more time, Hunter Hayes...I'm gonna scream!!"

Frustrated, I turned down the music and stared off into the distance as I waited for the light to change.

As soon as it turned green, I began to yawn. My hand reached up to cover it... and it was then that I felt it. Zit number (who knows what!) was forming on my chin. "You have got to be kidding me!!!" I  thought as I yanked the visor down once again.

Confirmation.

It was red. It was tender... and it was ugly!

"Can't a girl catch a break?!"

An old familiar tune started up in my head as I slammed the mirror closed and continued my drive...

"Nobody loves me... (I mean how could they? With this hair? and these eyebrows?!)
Everybody hates me... (of course they do! EVERYBODY does!)
I guess I'll go eat worms!...(if only they'd help my complexion!)"

I arrived at "church school" and was greeted by my hyper-active two year old.

Although he ran to me, calling "Mommy!!" all I could see was the hideous outfit he had on. The shirt was a little snug and the shorts...uh...definitely not a match. ("Why were those the change of clothes I had in his backpack anyways?!")  I looked up at the teacher and she quickly explained that he had had an accident at nap time. "Great!" I thought as we made our way back to the car "aren't we a lovely pair?!"

I pulled out of the parking lot and made a turn towards Humble. A friend of mine, that I used to teach with, was hosting an after school jewelry party at her house. (The proceeds would benefit a lady in need at her church.) I told her I'd stop by.

A few minutes later, I was parked out front. I told Titus he could pick one toy to take in. He threw a little fit and then finally conceded and chose his Thomas the Train book.

As we walked through the yard, I frantically pushed my hair behind my ears, smoothed my shirt as best I could, and attempted to tame his crazy hairs with my spit and fingers.

We made it to the front door...knocked...and waited. A few seconds later, it opened...

With a smile on her face she greeted us. Titus ran right in, circling the jewelry tables, anxious to show off his Thomas book to anyone who would listen. I, on the other hand, was oblivious to his craziness.

I couldn't stop staring.

My friend was captivating!!

Was it her clothes? They were definitely cute, but...no, that wasn't it.
Was it her jewelry? Her earrings were pretty...loved the color...but...no, that wasn't it either.

So what was it?

Her hair? No. Due to chemo, she didn't have any.
Her figure? Even after surgery, she looked great! But that wasn't it either.

At the moment, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. All I knew is that she was radiant!

Lori Ford,  precious friend and breast cancer fighter, was absolutely BEAUTIFUL!

Standing there, I was mesmerized.

Beauty.

True Beauty. I have questioned what this looks like my whole life. I've wrestled with it. Struggled with it. Envied it. I've strived for it and I've fallen short of it...more times than I can count.

In that moment, standing in her entryway, captivated by her smile, I was overcome with conviction (my unleashed thoughts from earlier still rolling through mind.) "My clothes, Titus' clothes, hair, makeup, complexion, weight...does it even matter? Why in the world  have I let those meaningless things consume me so?" I took one look into her gorgeous eyes, glowing with Christ, and the words of Proverbs 31 flooded my heart...

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

October. It is breast cancer awareness month.
Breast cancer. It is difficult...it is painful...but it can't touch true beauty.

A steadfast heart, fixed on Him...is unbreakable. Unshakable.

Wrinkles appear. Zits scar. Eye liner smears. Hair falls out. Weight is gained. Weight is lost...

Beauty, as the world sees it...is indeed fleeting.

Yet,

true beauty lies within.

To the precious ladies in my life who have fought and are fighting breast cancer, and to the many others who are walking the same road, proclaiming Christ in their weakness....I want to say thank you! Thank you for showing us what it truly means to live a graceful life poured out in devotion to Christ. Never forget that you are beautiful. Truly BEAUTIFUL! Inside and out.